All grown up, well kinda

I don’t know about you when I was younger I always thought that by the time you got to being 30 you were some how you were grown up, all your shit would be sorted and you knew what you wanted and where you wanted to be. Turns out I was wrong!! Massively wrong.

I’ve decided that you’re never really ever grow up, people just kinda wing it all the way through.

I’m 32 and in no way shape or form am I a grown up. I’m still trying to figure out what being a grown up entailed and what a “normal” adult does.

I’ve been single now for 12 months and I’m starting this blog is because for the first time in my whole adult life I find myself all alone… Totally on my tod…Completely on my billy…

What I mean is I have friends and family but I’m not texting anyone, I’m not dating anyone, I’m actually not anything to anyone, I’m just me. Doing my own little thing whenever I feel like it. Oh don’t worry, I’m not starting a pity party for one, I’m actually happy. (I’m completely freaked out by it all but I’m happy)

All my friends are either getting married, trying for babies or buying houses and I’m over here playing very loud music, dancing around my house with the dogs trying to decide if I can be bothered putting on clothes and cooking or not!!

Listening to them, watching them light up when they talk about their other halfs and their plans makes me happy. It also makes me realise up until this point in my life I’ve never actually been in love.

Yes, I’ve had relationships and believed I was in love (those that know me know how fun they were) but on reflection it wasn’t Love, It was me being too scared to be on my own (and also being told I couldn’t cope Without them, egos of some people!!!)

I’ve tried online dating, lots of weirdos, ghosting and dick pics. Whilst I’m on the subject of dick pics, for the record boys no-one wants to see a random uninvited penis on their iPhone screen when they’re eating their breakfast, NO-ONE!!!!! Yes, It might be big, but it’s not clever!!! It’s like when the dogs bring me something they’ve found that died several days ago on a walk, I can clearly see your proud of it but I’m not f*#king touching it and I’m certainly not going to f#*king play with it!!! Lastly, whoever got a dick pic and thought “yip, this is the one I’m going to marry”. Men! 🙄

Also what I find is that as the token single friend, mates like trying to set me up with their other single mates. Again some are weirdos but usually I already know them through a friends ex or a friend of a Friends ex or Ive heard stories about them from a friend so know why they’re single (no offence to the weirdos if you’re reading this you’re all lovely really… 🙈) #jokes

And I’m the midst of all this I’ve been reliably informed by several sources that when you least expect it you’ll find “it”, Don’t go looking for “it”, “it” will find you one day….the problem with that theory for me is that “it” is a film about a clown, so Im really, really really hoping that Penny Wise doesn’t come and find me because I will cry, a lot. I hate clowns!!!!

There’s an idea out there that when you find someone you have to marry them and you have to have kids and if you don’t want either of those you’re a bit of a loon. In all honesty I’ve never really thought much about either of them. I’ve not planned my dream wedding since I was a little girl and I don’t see mini-mes running around in my future. That’s not to say I don’t like marriage or kids. I get it. I totally get why people do, It’s just not for me. And then when people learn this about me they like to tell me that you’ll change your mind when you find “it”. Again, to reiterate I hate clowns, so if Pennywise is in my future then kids and marriage are a defo no-go!!!

These last few weeks have got me thinking about what I do want and in all honesty, I don’t have a ducking clue.

I do know what I don’t want…I don’t want a fairytale story, because let’s face it, if you loose your shoe at midnight, you’re pissed, you’re not cinders. I don’t want to be smothered or controlled. I don’t want to be told I look daft in what I wear or that my legs are a little too fat (you can’t play hockey with thin legs I’d like to point out). I don’t want someone that needs me or totally depends on me, I want them to want me in their lives.

I see my friends who are all coupled up and they’re with their best friends, their person. The one they tell everything to and share things with do things with. The one they still fancy after all this time and they can’t keep their hands off each other. I guess that’s what I want. I want someone like that to share my life with. To do fun things with, to see places and to do nothing with.

Until “it” finds me or I find “it” I’ve got the dogs for company and Ann summers for other things. I’m going to embrace the whole no +1 thing if people don’t want to do things with me, Food for one, tickets for one, travel for one. I’m not missing out on life just because I’m on my own. I have a list as long as my arm of stuff I intend to do this year so I best get cracking.

So this blog will be my random rantings of doing things that scare me and set my anxiety off in the hope it gets easier.

And you just never know Pennywise and I might just become the best of friends…. stranger things have happened