Being an adult is hard, Like really super hard. No one quite explains this to you when you’re a kid desperate to grow up. Peter pan had the right idea; don’t grow up, it’s a trap!!
It’s funny because I don’t really see myself as a grown up, I still go to people I consider grown ups for advice and help. But my guess is they don’t feel like grown ups and do exactly the same thing to someone who is older. Basically if you’re older than the person who’s asking for advice/help/support/money they class you as a grown up so you best know what to do!!!
I’m not sure if it’s just me but I have no clue what I want or who I actually am. I’m kinda hoping at some point I’ll wake up and life be like “bamb, Shits sorted itself out overnight. You’re a grown up and everything is all good, stop worrying” (eternal optimism is my greatest weakness, that and over thinker) it’s doubtful that’ll happen but I’m optimistic it might (see, weakness or stupid. Not figured that out yet either)
Being a grown up usually means paying bills. And to pay bills it helps if you have money and to have money you ideally need a job of some form unless you’ve won the lottery or are royalty or something. For a lot of us it involved choosing a university course/job/apprenticeship when we had just left school at 17/18. Some earlier than that. Now if I recall back to when I was that age I was worse at making decisions than I am now!!! So I did 3 yrs of training and have been working for 10 years and this is me, to be honest I’m not sure who I am without it. And Unless I win the lottery or get me a sugar daddy (I’m still not sure on what one of those is if I’m honest) I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to stick at this until I retire and at the rate they keep increasing the age I’ll be about 87. Speaking of late retirement I had a relative that worked until he was 87. He lied about his age and told people he was about 15 yrs younger than he was. You could back then, no interweb to check up on people. When he wanted to retire they told him he was to young but he fessed up about his age and they let him. I love that story.
I’ve taken to not telling people my real job on nights out instead I tell them I put cherries on the bakewells or I’m party liaison officer or a bread scientist. Surprisingly enough Those types of jobs actually don’t make people ask loads of questions or make them feel like that can divulge personal information to a total stranger which is why I do it. Which is funny because when one lad told me recently on a night out he was a dolphin trainer I immediately had a million and one questions. The first and foremost was “so where in Wigan do you do this????” Surprisingly enough he didn’t do it in Wigan but he couldn’t give me a definitive location that he did do it in so naturally I carried on probing. Quite quickly I started to smell something and the more he talked and it smelt like bullshit. I did get a drink out of him though before I called bullshit on his story and wandered off. It was funny watching him make it up on the spot. The boy hadn’t banked on being asked questions….
One of the reasons for doing this blog is for me to get all this noise in my head out. I know that l’m not always going to be funny or lighthearted with the things I write but I will be truthful. I can’t be the only one out there that feels like this but who wants to hear that you’re lonely?
I going to blame social media (everyone else does so I’m jumping on that bandwagon) everyone puts their best bits on there, ideas of what we should be doing, saying or behaving like. Photos of happy times, set up photos, nice status’. No one seems to put pictures up of their crappy cars, run down houses, bank balance when it’s over the over draft or that they’re feeling lonely and isolated because people see that as attention seeking. However, half naked pictures and trout pouts (whatever happened to a cheesy smile or a stupid face) are ok. Now don’t get me wrong. I love a good selfie and I love taking pictures but I’ll be the first to admit it’s never the first selfie that goes on, for every one decent one I’ve deleted about 37 because I think I look awful or my face was a bit wonkey (my face is wonkey so why I kid myself that it’s not it beyond me!)
I’ve spent my entire adult life being told what I should and shouldn’t do/wear/say and being introduced as “this is Grace, so and so’s girlfriend” or by my job, I’m really not sure who I am as just plain old Grace. It’s ducking scary. I’ve never really like myself and currently I’m not sure about this version either. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know where I’m going (literally and figuratively) and I don’t know who I am or where I fit into things. I just feel really alone and sad. I what makes it worse is I know no one else can help me with this only me.
One thing I do know though is I like this freedom I have, the ability to just do whatever I want, whenever I want to. I’ve never had this and it’s good. As long as my dogs are looked after I can pretty much do whatever the chuff I want. I’m not going to be giving it up quietly I do know that much. It has it’s down sides though…when I first got my new bathroom I had a lovely hot deep bath. The type of hot that melts your skin. It was bliss. I’d not had one for years and I couldn’t remember why, then I felt my blood pressure drop and I fainted. When I came around my first thought was that would have been an very awkward head line “girl found drowned in lovely new bath because it was too hot” I’d not even shaved my legs!!! Moral of story: shave legs first before relaxing!
Actually, on second thoughts, instead overthinking about if any of us do actually do grow up, which is my best angle for selfies so I look less wonkey and what people think I should do/feel/say so that I’m “normal” I think I might just go to the Winchester for a pint and wait for this to all blow over…..who’s joining me?