So….. it’s Time to Talk day. Which is a day aimed at making people talk about mental health. Because that (along with sex and other things we do everyday) is a thing people don’t openly talk about. Even though we should.
Funny isn’t it how we don’t like talking about stuff that we should really talk about. And that we keep things inside that probably would be better being shared but we don’t want to burden others or feel ashamed of what we’re feeling or that others around us make us feel ashamed of who we are and what we feel.
So I’m just going to stick it right out there and say I suffer with anxiety. I’ve been told I don’t look like someone who suffers with their nerves (if you’re not familiar with how much I hate when people use that “you don’t look like….” read my post the art of underestimating to get it. I won’t get on my soap box here). It’s awful. Anxiety sucks ass. Majorly. I never use to know what it was or how to control it and it use to consume me. At my worst it was the catalysts for my depression. Bloody awful!!
Now, I’ve not always had this feeling in my chest. Stuff happened that helped it appear. Now it’s here it just doesn’t seem to want to duck off!! I can manage it better than ever before but it’s still there. Like a bad smell.
It’s hard to describe the feeling I have and I’m not sure if it’s the same for everyone but mine is like something has hold of my lungs and heart and I can’t breath. My heart races but doesn’t actually beat faster, I feel sick, I feel on edge. It’s the fight or flight mode in full swing but I’m not doing either. I’m just fecking sat still. Thoughts racing of stuff I can’t change or that has t happened. Thinking of the worst. Of a situation that hasn’t even bloody happened!! If you give me a scenario I’ll of thought of every worst possible outcome imaginable before you’ve finished the sentence. I’ve also thought of all the good outcomes too and they’re what I focus on.
I’ve mentioned before that I’ve had people for a long time tell me who I am, what I should wear, how I should be that now I’m doing those things on my own I second guess myself. I don’t have much confidence in myself although people think I probably do. I compare myself to a Swan. Not because I’m graceful, beautiful or elegant because I’m none of the for-mentioned) but because outwardly they look alright, cruising along without a care in the world but underneath the water their legs are going ten-to-the-dozen in order for them to swim. But looking at the swan you’d not know that. Did you know swans mate for life?? That’s another thing I don’t have in common with them actually. Maybe I’m not a swan. Maybe I’m more of a morehen. Some little odd black duck that just has oddly long legs for its body. Anyway I think you know what I mean with the duck/swan analogy and anxiety. What you see isn’t what you get.
That’s the same for other mental health conditions. Just because you can’t see it or touch it doesn’t make it any less real. Talking helps some. It’s doesn’t with others because they’re not ready or can’t or don’t know how to say it. It’s hard to explain to someone how you’re feeling if you can’t explain it to yourself.
So the other day I was feeling really happy and positive and I wanted other people to feel this too. so I decided to send a message to a few of my very close friends and family to tell them why I loved them so much and why they meant so much to me. Not the obvious things but The little things that makes them them. The idea was that I was hoping it cheered them up and they all smiled. And if they were having a bad day it made it a little better and that if it was good day it added to it. Mostly though I wanted them to know that no matter what’s going on in their lives they are very much loved and I’ll always be there if needed waiting in the wings with wine to pounce and help!!!
If you’re reading this and you think you’re the only one. You’re not. I promise. Not everyone gets it but that’s ok they’ll still want to help. And not everyone judges. Don’t be scared to reach out to someone. Don’t be alone.
It can get better. You can get better.
You are not broken.
You are not weird.
You are not ducked up.
You are you.
You are wonderful
You might have demons you’re battling with (we all do) you might want to talk, you might not. But don’t let anyone tell you anything other that you are wonderful, you are strong and that you’ve got this. You’ll be ok. Everything will be ok in the end. And if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.
In the words of a wise blue fish…. Just keep swimming.