So….. it’s Time to Talk day. Which is a day aimed at making people talk about mental health. Because that (along with sex and other things we do everyday) is a thing people don’t openly talk about. Even though we should.
Funny isn’t it how we don’t like talking about stuff that we should really talk about. And that we keep things inside that probably would be better being shared but we don’t want to burden others or feel ashamed of what we’re feeling or that others around us make us feel ashamed of who we are and what we feel.
So I’m just going to stick it right out there and say I suffer with anxiety. I’ve been told I don’t look like someone who suffers with their nerves (if you’re not familiar with how much I hate when people use that “you don’t look like….” read my post the art of underestimating to get it. I won’t get on my soap box here). It’s awful. Anxiety sucks ass. Majorly. I never use to know what it was or how to control it and it use to consume me. At my worst it was the catalysts for my depression. Bloody awful!!
Now, I’ve not always had this feeling in my chest. Stuff happened that helped it appear. Now it’s here it just doesn’t seem to want to duck off!! I can manage it better than ever before but it’s still there. Like a bad smell.
It’s hard to describe the feeling I have and I’m not sure if it’s the same for everyone but mine is like something has hold of my lungs and heart and I can’t breath. My heart races but doesn’t actually beat faster, I feel sick, I feel on edge. It’s the fight or flight mode in full swing but I’m not doing either. I’m just fecking sat still. Thoughts racing of stuff I can’t change or that has t happened. Thinking of the worst. Of a situation that hasn’t even bloody happened!! If you give me a scenario I’ll of thought of every worst possible outcome imaginable before you’ve finished the sentence. I’ve also thought of all the good outcomes too and they’re what I focus on.
I’ve mentioned before that I’ve had people for a long time tell me who I am, what I should wear, how I should be that now I’m doing those things on my own I second guess myself. I don’t have much confidence in myself although people think I probably do. I compare myself to a Swan. Not because I’m graceful, beautiful or elegant because I’m none of the for-mentioned) but because outwardly they look alright, cruising along without a care in the world but underneath the water their legs are going ten-to-the-dozen in order for them to swim. But looking at the swan you’d not know that. Did you know swans mate for life?? That’s another thing I don’t have in common with them actually. Maybe I’m not a swan. Maybe I’m more of a morehen. Some little odd black duck that just has oddly long legs for its body. Anyway I think you know what I mean with the duck/swan analogy and anxiety. What you see isn’t what you get.
That’s the same for other mental health conditions. Just because you can’t see it or touch it doesn’t make it any less real. Talking helps some. It’s doesn’t with others because they’re not ready or can’t or don’t know how to say it. It’s hard to explain to someone how you’re feeling if you can’t explain it to yourself.
So the other day I was feeling really happy and positive and I wanted other people to feel this too. so I decided to send a message to a few of my very close friends and family to tell them why I loved them so much and why they meant so much to me. Not the obvious things but The little things that makes them them. The idea was that I was hoping it cheered them up and they all smiled. And if they were having a bad day it made it a little better and that if it was good day it added to it. Mostly though I wanted them to know that no matter what’s going on in their lives they are very much loved and I’ll always be there if needed waiting in the wings with wine to pounce and help!!!
If you’re reading this and you think you’re the only one. You’re not. I promise. Not everyone gets it but that’s ok they’ll still want to help. And not everyone judges. Don’t be scared to reach out to someone. Don’t be alone.
It can get better. You can get better.
You are not broken.
You are not weird.
You are not ducked up.
You are you.
You are wonderful
You might have demons you’re battling with (we all do) you might want to talk, you might not. But don’t let anyone tell you anything other that you are wonderful, you are strong and that you’ve got this. You’ll be ok. Everything will be ok in the end. And if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.
In the words of a wise blue fish…. Just keep swimming.
Tales of Grace 
YES… I totally get this Grace. I’m swimming like mad on a daily basis, I long for the day to just get up without a care, fear, worry, nerves or that bleeding huge knot in my stomach that won’t go away… I’m hopeful enough to think one day it’ll happen. x
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I don’t have it all the time now. It just pops up though. I know some of my triggers but not all. Just knowing how to overcome it and breath through it.
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That’s a great read Grace. I’m showing my daily battles for last year through this year. have a read and let me know what you think
Hi., My name is Barry.
I’m a big reader of self help and personal development books. I’ve read and listened to loads now with out putting action in to the words I read/listen too
I decided in January 2017 to start recording my journey and see what I could learn from setting my own goals targets and really pushing myself. I decided it was important to wait a year before publishing any post and my dairies. Well this is where I am now!
It’s been a rocky trip and I talk about my battles with alcohol, drugs, anxiety, depression, work and feeling alone! Its not all bad and I have many highs too but ultimately I’m sticking to a commitment I made myself a year ago. A project for change to help me and others.
A Year Ago Today
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You seem to get a lot of “you don’t look like __,” don’t you? 😛 Don’t play hockey, don’t look 30, don’t look anxious… Well, to be fair, you’re a Scorpio, and they tend to be deceptive like the Decepticons of Transformers fame and superheroes with crafty alter egos. You are good at wearing disguises and hiding the truth deep down even if you speak of the need to get things out in the open here. It’s a two-edged sword you carry. In your heart, you long for a hot tub where you can be completely open and alive with your most trusted partner(s). But, the world brushes you with a cold breeze, and suddenly you have to get out of the tub, armor up and go to war.
I have that same awful “smell” stalking me. But, it’s not a smell as much as it’s a little creeping shadow with a face I long to forget cackling on my path. It waits for me to find something challenging and then tickles me over the edge unless I see the “trigger” and, as you say, breathe through it. I’ve grown stronger with time and become aware of so much. Yet, I still carry the fear of it taking hold of me, pushing me to the breaking point. And, because of that, I have lived a very slow, solitary and deeply troubled life. Because I don’t feel good about submitting to pills that aren’t to be a cure-all yet are prescribed instead of working out the problems socially. And, from my experience with therapists, I realize their shortcomings and what I’d have to invest in hopes of reaching a solution they cannot provide (because they cannot be friends and cannot be available as often as I’d like).
I have had family and peers telling me how to do everything, too. And, it started coming out of my mouth toward others til they made me realize I was doing it (even if they continued to do it). I realized I had breathed toxic air so long that now I was becoming toxic to others. That rocked my growing, struggling, self-esteem, too. I finally got to a point where I had to tell my brother I was done hanging out with him; I wasn’t going to put up with someone telling me I am dressed or smell “wrong” even if I do smell (and how can I tell I smell when I can’t smell anything?). I have grown tired of trying to please others with how I present myself or live. Yet, they continue to harp when they can. And, that just puts me in a corner, trying to achieve less.
So, what DO I do? I just survive. Whatever that entails for as long as it lasts. No telling what life has yet in store for me. But, until something strikes me down for good, I hang in there.
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