A glimpse into my head

My head is sooo full of stuff. Just lots and lots of stuff. It’s like wading through treacle. I think if it was projected onto a big screen it would look like some kind of happy optimistic world full of colour, music and unicorns. Where everything didn’t match (on purpose) and things just whirled around like little hurricanes. But lurking in corners are dark little pockets within it where only I can go.

I’m not sure if this is normal but I hear music and tunes in my head that aren’t actually song. (Or at least they’re not ones I’m aware of) And see pictures and images of stuff flash up in my minds eye. They’re like really annoying pop ups you get like when you click on dodgy websites (I’m lead to believe this happens it’s not something I’ve ever seen….) I also get stories in there that explain how I’m feeling by linking them to other things to make it understandable. Because most of the time I can’t even explain my feeling to myself.

Because all this is driving me crash I decided to channel some of this chaos and use it to my advantage. I’ve started painting again which feels amazing.

And with all the words in my head I’ve come up with a poem. Of sorts. I have a kind of tune in my head for it too but as it’s been a loooong time since I’ve picked a guitar up or played a piano it’s staying as a poem. I did try to do it on the ukulele but it was a little to happy for what I can hear.

It’s my first one ever. So keep that in mind please and be nice….

The hours before dawn not sure where to go, you’re cold and alone and all that you know, Is shadows and fear, while the darkness consumes. You feel helpless and scared, Bewildered and doomed. Lost in the woods you hold it all in, and keep moving forward never giving in

And then, there you were, the sun from the east, lighting the dark and helping me see, Removing the fear and changing my mind, You lit the shadows that others left behind.

Not judging, or cruel, Or controlling or mean, your warmth was there just holding me. You saw the scars and bruises left by the night, you kissed them all and held them tight. You illuminated the dark corners I’d purposely hidden from view, things I’ve never shared before I just couldn’t keep from you.

You told me, you warned me About your dark spots and flames. I listened, I watched and I saw your pain. Those dark spots and flames were from what others had said, they had seen them in you and they’d fled. Defiant I stood fast, refusing to move I wasn’t going anywhere I had something to prove; That the cons you’d spoke of and all the woes, Were completely outweighed by your brilliance, you’re worth your weight in gold. However I found that Standing in the sun came with a price, and I fell in love with your warmth and your light.

And on overcast days where your light is forced out, I know you’re still there, there’s never a doubt. If I wait long enough for the clouds to just part, then there you are, just like the start. I think of you often, long after you’ve set, Do you think about me? are you happy we met?

It plays on my mind when you disappeared out of sight, who has your flame, your beautiful light? do they realise your worth and how lucky they are, to have direct access to a bright shining star?

When the day fades away and night time descends, I think of you my beautiful friend. You’ve been the best thing to appear in my once bleak life, You’ve helped my through my troubles and strife. I dream of your touch falling across my skin, and the feelings you’ve sparked deep within. You are my friend, my confidant and my muse, this is a bond I never want to loose.

I’m stronger and happier knowing I’ve found the sun,

the brightest star,

my smoking gun.

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