If someone would have told me 18 months ago that I’d be on my own, managing to have a life, paying my bills and all round generally happy life I’d of told them to shut the front door and that they were utterly barking. But here we are. I’m on my own and I’m happy. Sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit for it all. I know I’m not the only person in the world to function on their own, working full time with kids/dogs/cats/horses, house, bills etc but sometimes it can feel like that.
So my average weekday consists of:
Alarm at 510am, Dog walk for 30-40 mins, Gym for 6ish, to be finished at 7ish so I’m in work for 8am. My work day can finish between 4-6 (4 out of 5 days it’s 5:30 finish) then home to walk the boys again for 30-40 mins, cook my tea, tidy up now I’m doing uni work and then tv and then bed. To repeat all this again the next day.
Weekends consist of Hockey during the season and sometimes working extra on a Sunday.
In between all of this I find time to see my friends, see my family, write this blog, paint, draw and sometimes even pick up my violin.
(Actually it makes me tired reading that back!!!)
It’s funny because I’m happier now on my own than I ever was with someone. Don’t get me wrong, I get lonely and I’d love someone that wanted to Netflix and chill with me or go out and get drunk or go and just do something fun but equally I’ve been so very lonely when I was in a relationship that this feeling of lonely is fleeting compared to it (if you’re one of my mates reading this those times I get a little lonely are the times you get sent memes or things I find funny or I barrage you with messages until you reply).
To combat the loneliness I do things for me now, things I enjoy. This weekend was a prime example. Saturday night dosed off on the couch, Netflix on. Then had a couple of glasses of wine, pottered around my house, played with the dogs, had radio one playing the Avicii essential mix tribute, doing some uni work and chatting to friends. By the time I looked at the clock it was about 1am. I genuinely was having a really good evening!!
The old cliche is correct, if you’re not happy with yourself no one else is going to be able to make you happy.
It’s not all been dancing to radio one and enjoying my own company though. There have been times I’ve been sobbing on the kitchen floor with the dogs, or I’d cry myself to sleep. There was a period of adjustment. Life on my own. It was/is scary.
You have to remember I’ve been in one form of relationships or another since I was 18 (13 years for those that can’t do the maths). I think the most scary part (for me anyway) was finally admitting I wasn’t happy. That we weren’t happy. It wasn’t good. Saying out loud that I wasn’t happy and this isn’t what I want my life to be like is awful. We had several practical reasons to try and make it work: a house, 2 dogs, a business, joint life stuff and all the stuff we’d gone through and we were engaged. We did try. But it just didn’t work. And here we are 12 months later and I’m happy. I’m single and happy.
I think the thing for me now is I know what I want. I’m not looking for a fairy tail or a knight in shining armour (I’ve met a few of them, they turned out to be gobshites wrapped in tinfoil in the end), or a Prince Charming (I’ve seen shriek…) I want someone who is my best friend, who shares common interests, someone who makes me laugh and someone I fancy. I do have a tick list of wants but I can’t put it all i here just in case someone reads and thinks ooo I’ll pretend I have all of those things and woo her (you might think that sounds daft but trust me, it happens…)
I look at my parents and I know they love each other. After all this time they might argue and disagree but there is no denying that my dad would do anything for my mum and vice versa. They’re best friends still now after all this time. And that’s what I want. Because once the magic has faded and the lust has lifted you’re left with a person. If that person isn’t kind or doesn’t make you laugh or you don’t have things in comment or you can’t get past their faults or you don’t trust them you’ve not got much chance of surviving.
And anyway what is a Queen without her king…well historically speaking usually more powerful, just need to ask Cleopatra, Victoria, Elizabeth, Nefertiti to name a few.
Right then now I’ve got that off my chest I just need to readjust my crown before I do the hoovering.