A Letter to My ex(s)

Alright?

Long time no speak, how’s things with you? I hear you are still with the one you lied about/a new partner/your previous partner (delete where applicable), hows that all working out for you?

I suppose before I carry on I should add a bit if a disclaimer that this is generic letter to  ex(s). I’m pretty sure there’s going to be some universal parallels with everyones exs in this, so if you read something that rings true chances are its aimed at you but quite possibly its not aimed directly from me. Got it? good.

Firstly I want to start by saying it wasn’t all bad, you were my best friend. We did so much stuff together we were together for 3-5 years after all. You were a huge part of my life, we talked everyday, we saw each other pretty much everyday. I trusted you, you knew about my past, you knew what my exs had put me through and you promised you wouldn’t ever do that to me. You promised you’d never hurt me and I could trust you. So I did, sure, I was hesitant in doing it but I tired.

I guess thats what hurt the most in the end. You did to me what they did to me. You cheated, you lied and you blamed me for it. You were just like them in the end.

I hold my hands up, I may not have been the best and most amicable person after I found this out. But show me a person who wouldn’t loose their shit when they found all the stuff out I did. I was so hurt. I wanted to hurt you back so you could understand but how do you hurt someone who doesn’t care about you? Find something they do care about and use that. Yes, yes yes, I’m aware that sounds like crazy bitch territory but we both know I’m a scorpio. I have a little sting in my tail when I feel attacked. Hell hath no fury like a scorpio scorned.

If you’re reading this and think “well Im glad that I never got to see that side of her even after doing that thing I did” don’t fool yourself, I still remember what you did however the timing hasn’t been quite right yet. Only Kidding you’re just not worth the effort. Or is that a double bluff? only time will tell *queue evil laugh*

I also admit I am not perfect. Not now, not then, not ever. I know I can be annoying, I talk too much, I’m very intense, I am slightly secretive and guarded amongst other things too, but you know why. I told you this at the start, well maybe not all of why, but you knew enough.

However, I didn’t lie to you. I didn’t create a tinder account behind your back and go on dates. I didn’t sleep with someone and pretend they were just my friend and make you think it was all in your head. I didn’t tell you you were fat, or ugly, or thick. I never called you the wrong name when I was drunk and I never took your money and used your car as my own to take other people on dates. yes all of those things did happen to me, honestly writing them down and reading them back makes me feel like such a tool for sticking around.

I didn’t want to see it, I was too scared to be on my own so I let you carry on. I never tried to change you, I was happy with the person you were, I wanted you to change your behaviour to me but in my head I wanted you to do that without me telling you. If you’d of done that on your own it would have meant more to me than me making you. Its like you knowing that I like lego. You’re aware of my love for the little bricks of wonder but I never ask you to buy me them so if you bough me some without me asking for it that is more meaningful than me telling you what to buy me.

Im aware that lego and self-respect are somewhat different but Im sure you get what I mean.

Like I said at the start though, it wasn’t all bad. It was those moments I held onto for longer than I should have probably. Everyone can make a mistake, once is a mistake were human. Mistakes can be forgiven. Several repeated rendezvous that are planned however are a choice, you chose to do that.

You weren’t thinking about me and the impact it would have. Actually I think one of you was, I think one of you did it because you didn’t know how to tell me you weren’t happy anymore. Im 100% sure that the only time you did that was at the end too. Your exit strategy was a good one. It was very final.It would of been nicer if you’d of just said. Just saying.

All Saints summed it up quite well with Never Ever. The start of that song every girl that has ever been hurts can relate to…

A few questions that I need to know
How you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I’ve done wrong
And how long it’s been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
But I’ll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I’m going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions
I have to find

Ive got to be honest finding out you’re with her kinda stung at first. How can you be in a relationship and I’m still single? Why was I a practice round? Why wasn’t I enough? Why didn’t you love me? Then you move on to start to think if only I’d of been prettier, or thinner, or cleverer, or funnier, blonder, darker, bigger boobs, smaller bum etc etc. If only Id of said this sooner or did this differently, or behaved in this way then you wouldn’t have done what you did.

But truth be told it wasn’t anything to do with me (directly at least) it was you. Twas all you. You’re the reason you did what you did, not me. I mean if Brad Pitt can do it to Jennifer Anniston and Jay-Z can do it to Beyonce then anyone can do it to anyone. By no way am I comparing you to Brad or Jay-Z btw so your ego can get back in its box.

funny thing is I’m still finding out things about you now that you did back then. Im not sure if they do it to make me feel better about me not being with you or its for some other reason. I suppose the saving grace with that is it confirms it wasn’t me, it defo was you. Leopards don’t change their spots after all, they just get a thicker coat.

I guess the reason for writing this was really to explain how you made me feel and how all your douchie stuff affected me. Ive actually spoken to one of you about the stuff you did, funny thing is you didn’t remember all the shit stuff, you didn’t remember all the nights I cried, how you spoke to me, the way you were with me. You just recalled the good stuff. Funny how peoples perspective on situations are different. Despite you not knowing (or at least not outwardly admitting you were a twat) I felt better for saying it, for verbalising despite all of that, I am over you. And that my friend, is what they call closure.

I thought that by writing a letter to you all (regardless if you ever see this or not) it’ll do the same.

I genuinely wish you well and I really hope you are happy. Like I said at the start you were my best mate and without you then (the good, the bad and everything inbetween) I wouldn’t be me now. I’m the person I am today because of our relationship and how it all turned out. Im stronger for it all. Sometimes a song comes on or I find myself at a place we went once upon a time and a distant vague  memory floats back up to the service like a buoy bobbing up and down out to sea and then as quickly as it arrives it disappears back under the horizon. I think the lyrical genius Robbie Williams sums it up well when he said:

I loved the way we used to laugh
I loved the way we used to smile
Often I sit down and think of you
For a while
Then it passes by me and I think of
Someone else instead
I guess the love we once had is
Officially dead

Moving forwards,

Kind Regards

Grace

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