A state of flux

Ive been doing a lot of self refection recently, partly down to my counselling and partly down to the course I’m currently studying too. Im feeling really uncomfortable at the minuet, (and no its not because of this chair I’m sat on currently although it isn’t the comfiest and I do need to get a new one for my new room). It’s my fight or flight response kicking in because I’m finally dealing with things I’ve been through that I’ve always boxed off an emotionally ran away from.

Oh disclaimer FYI the photo of this blog entry is true. She knows about you, she knows EVERYTHING and she’s pissed off with some of you too……

Apparently all the literature states that this uncomfortable feeling I’m having is good. They talk about its like its the start of a rebirth *eye roll* an awakening of some sort *bigger eye roll* It doesn’t feel like it though, it feels awful. Im questioning everything. and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING! It’s exhausting. (The literature talks about this too but in a very fluffy lovely way *vom*)

I’m finding myself reliving things that have happened, moments that I thought were real with people who I thought loved me and cared about me and having those “oh wait, shit, I know why they did that now, oh bastard, its because of this…” moments when I go over things. The people Im talking about are the ones that have used me along the way to make themselves feel better about themselves. The ones that have manipulated the situation and took so much for themselves and not give anything back and I’m not just talking partners here I’m talking about old friendships too.

I find myself thinking “how the fuck did I  not see that at the time? Were my glasses sooo dirty and rose tinted that I just couldn’t see what was in front of me? Or was it that I did see what was there but I was too scared to call it out?? Why could I not stand up to them?”

Simple reason:  I was scared that they’d leave me. I just wasn’t strong enough at the time to say anything. The words in Katy Perry’s Roar explain it well

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

When I did finally stand up to them or call them out on things they were doing that hurt me they would turn it around onto me. If I pointed out how they were making me feel they’d say “not everything is about you”. And they’re right of course, I am fully aware the world does not revolve around me (I can’t even tell you how upset I was when I found that out too) however if you’re happy to hear when I’m happy then you should be there to listen if I am telling you how you make me feel and how your actions are affecting me negatively. feelings count, you’re not right or wrong in how you feel, you just feel.

I have been tasked by my councillor with finding people that are authentic, that are genuine and that aren’t compulsive liars and twatbags. (and to hug more, I’m not a hugger but apparently I need to become one) Honestly, it’s harder than you think. I mean I have some very wonderful people around me that are genuine (you guys know who you are you beautiful humans, love ya) but I hate to say it some of you aren’t (I’m Sorry. Actually I’m not sorry, I take that back). I’ve kept hold of peoples indiscretions for so long, I’ve let them offload their shite onto me and they’ve just carried on going about living their lives quite (un)happily without a shit given to the effect on me. I’ve had enough of it all. I’m done with the games.

My councillor has asked me a few times now to explain what I want and what I’m looking for in life and I can’t answer her. She’s asked me few times now and I whilst I’m a little bit clearer I still can’t really answer. It’s not often I’m speechless but for this question I am. I’m totally lost for words. It’s one of the only times in our 2 hour sessions where I’m not talking or crying, I’m just open mouthed unable to answer. No words, na da, nothing zilch. (It’s the 🤷🏻‍♀️ emoji) I’ve realised that Ive been so busy making sure these arsewipes are ok and they have everything and helping them get on with their lives I’ve forgot who I am. I look in the mirror sometimes and I don’t recognise the person staring back at me.

I know the literature says that after this uncomfortable period is good, its a good place to be in and after it comes clarity but I’m wondering if any of those people who have written about it actually ever lived through it??? I mean normally what I would do in these situations is compartmentalise, dye my hair/cut a fringe in, get a tattoo, get a piercing, drink a lot and cane the gym.

Oh wait, erm, I have actually done all of those things (minus compartmentalise this is the reason I’m restless and in a state of flux, the fringe hasn’t made an appearance yet and its been a while since drink heavily to numb the pain, tea doesn’t count it doesn’t do the same thing).  N mind, scratch that.

Just out of curiosity hands up if you’ve ever had emotional pain, I mean the type that physically hurts? Like really hurts? Like someone has hold of your heart and squeezes it tightly and just for good measure sticks a little pin in it, and also holds your lungs too for good measure?? That’s what Im feeling in this phase. Literally my heart strings are being pulled like you wouldn’t believe. Its not the most fun. Every time I replay a scenario in my head that I thought was true where I thought a person cared about me. My heart hurts because that good memory, that thing that made me smile when I thought of them, the feeling that I was loved and cared for now comes with a pain in my chest because I’m just now seeing that behind it was lies, manipulation, coldness and someone who only really cared for themselves. It’s really hard to face. It hurts so much. It’s crippling sometimes. To realise you don’t really mean anything, that it wasn’t what you thought, once the rose tinted glasses come off, it’s brutal.

My councillor has warned me away from catrophising so that isn’t every memory and not all people are twats (just a lot of the ones in my past, this she agrees on) so I will balance this out with not all of my memories are etched in pain. There are some good ones, I just need to dig them out and I will need to make some new ones, and learn to figure out what I want and what I like for myself. And I have been doing that.

I’ve made a list of things that make me smile. Its a pretty long list actually. I was pleased. Ive met new people, real people who I love very dearly. I have some old people who I love equally as dearly, these folk I make wonderful memories with all the time, they’re my tribes, my cheerleaders, and I’m theirs. I have WhatsApp groups and photos to prove it too. There are also good people in my past that just drifted out for what ever reason, we never fell out lives just took us away from each other. I think of fondly about some of them and they’re the past memories I’m holding onto. The ones that were real, with the people who meant it.

So thats my mission, and I have to choose to accept it because the sheer definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a new result. I need to keep hold the authentic people, the ones with no hidden agenda and . I know they do exist. I’ve managed to figure out who’s who in my life so I know they’re not quite Dodos or T-rex’s yet. They’re more like Tigers or Orangutan’s, endangered but out there if you look hard enough, might even start my own zoo with the ones I’ve already captured so you guys can see what I mean…