It’s been a while since I took fingers to the key pad and wrote anything. It’s not because there’s been nothing going on, its the quite opposite there’s been so much going on that im not sure where to start.
I mean firstly what a shit 2020 for everyone, 5 years ago no-one got the answer right to the question “where do you see yourself in 5 years time….?” That’s why I guess I’ve not written anything because everyone for a change is experiencing this shitness together!!
Ive really struggled, I was doing well with my mental heath actually for a while and when covid hit because of my job we just carried on working. Longer more intense hours but still in work. However due to my asthma I was not able to continue in the role I was employed to do and that hit me really hard. Its all I’ve known for so long. I didn’t realised how much of my job is a part of me and my identity and by that being taken away I thought I was loosing a part of myself and I struggled so much with that. Lots of tears and lots of grieving. It was like a break up. Actually looking back now its been the best thing to happen to me, its a turning point both professionally and personally and I am actually really grateful for all those people who were looking out for me at the time protecting me. It didn’t fell like that then though. I have had a really good few months in work, learning new things and working with a team I haven’t work with directly before and Ive really loved coming to work. From this I have also experience I took a chance and applied for a job in a total different area than I’ve ever worked in and I got it!! I’m so excited for this new chapter but so sad to be leaving the most beautiful souls in where I work now. I couldn’t of got through these past few months without their support and help.
Personally its not been great for me either, its been a struggle, I had a friend who has been there for me everyday for over 9 months and the connection we had was something I had never had before however we have now parted ways and to say I am heartbroken is an understatement. I was and still am devastated, the pain is real however I have been able to through meditation, journalling and reiki be able to find the positives in this and have become very grateful for all this person brought into my life. They saw me before I saw myself and this as helped me to start loving myself. Its made me realised that actually I do want to have kids someday if thats an option, I do want to get married and I do want to share my life with someone. Until this person this part of me has been so closed off and I have been protecting myself without actually realising it. Putting on this ‘I don’t need anyone’ front is just a front. I don’t need anyone that statement is correct, I pay my own bill, I cook my own food, I look after myself. What I do need is someone to share my love with, someone to stand by me when I’m being super independent. Someone who loves me for being me and sees the me inside. Someone who I feel comfortable being me with and being vulnerable and letting my guard down.
Ive had relationships before and friendships before and when I look back on them now I’m trying to be someone I’m not, trying to fit in with what they think is the ‘right version’. this is why they have never worked out, I’ve not been authentically me and I’ve hidden parts that I think that would be embarrassed by or that im ashamed of. This has been compounded by varying degrees friendships/relationships with narcissists. All of which have taken from me and never given anything back, gas lighted me to make me think it was me, and trauma bonded to me so that I felt this ‘connection’ which actually was all just manipulation on someone who has past trauma and a bit of a shitty time. This person was non of these things. They were just very simply them and I could simply just be me. From a friendship something else appeared, however thats gone now, but the feelings and the lessons about myself are still there. Sometimes its really hard to be grateful for these new feelings I have and this new outlook that they have helped me to realised because its so overwhelming. This is a new phase, and like with any change it feels a bit messy. I can’t describe it in works but if you picture me flapping my hands about in circles in front of me in a messy fashion that sums up the feeling. I have to take a breath and speak to my inner child and remind them they’re safe and looked after and we’re going to be ok. They don’t need love from someone else, the love my inner child needs comes from me to myself.
Someone said to me recently that I have this spark, this bright shining light inside of me that is bursting out for everyone to see but I don’t see it and as soon as I see it too then there’s going to be no stopping me and the world best watch out. This for me was so overwhelming too because I might look confident and I might appear to be outgoing but internally I am not. I don’t see what other people see.
They’re right, sometimes I see it and then I feel like I have to dim it quickly because I’m scared to let it out. all this stuff has forced me out of my comfort zone and make me explore the hidden corners of myself that I hadn’t wanted to expose before. Ive been doing a lot of self healing and addressing issues that are in my past that explain a lot about my present self. Im even at the point of talking to her about writing about them but we’re not quite there yet with some of it. The advise she has given me is unless I am truly healed then becoming vulnerable in order to talk about it is a risk. My aim is to be able to talk about things and if someone reads it and it resonates with them this might help them to heal too. I know thats how I’ve been helped by reading things people have had the courage to face and deal with and share. It makes you feel a lot less alone in the world because it’s like you’re reading about yourself.
During some of this uncomfortable feeling I’ve had I was sent a video called the Rabbi and the lobster (google it)
It goes something like this…
The lobster’s shell is hard and can’t expand. So as it grows the shell gets tighter and tighter…..and the poor lobster gets more and more uncomfortable because it is stuck in that constricting shell……The Rabbi explains that if the lobster could do to a doctor it would probably be prescribed Valium so it could stop worrying about feeling uncomfortable and could get on with its life. But because it doesn’t have that option, the lobster gets so uncomfortable that it decides to do something about it. So it goes somewhere safe, sheds it shell, and grows a new one that fits its better.The lobster repeats this multiple times as it grows bigger and bigger. Each time, it’s the discomfort that encourages the lobster to grow a new shell. Without this discomfort, it would stay small. It would stay within its comfort zone.
When I watched it I was like “oh shit, I’m a lobster….”
I’m able to say no to things I don’t want to do without feeling as bad, I do things like ‘the Tiktok’ because it makes me happy and its a bit of an escape, I write to help my head and not to be a show off or for attention, I take pictures of stuff and selfies of me at the times I feel in look good and (also when I don’t for balance.) I dance and sing even though Im shocking at both. Everything I now do I do for me, and I’m not apologising for being me anymore. I don’t care if people don’t like me or I’m not their cup of tea, thats fine, I don’t care if I don’t fit in. As long as I’m being kind and I’m not purposefully being mean to people then its ok.
I am grateful for the person loving me before I loved myself, I managed to get to 34 and finally fall in love, and them actually love me back! Yay! yes Ive had my heart broken but I don’t regret a single thing about it. I wouldn’t change it and if I could do it all again I would. Because like everything in my life it has lead me to here, to this point.
This really feels like a turning point for me, something Im going to look back on in my life and go, yip thats were everything started to get better and where I finally started to be happy and live a life that I want to live.
Self love only and focus on myself, my dogs and my own little happy circle I have. Im going back to doing things I love, like writing, poetry, exploring, art, sports etc and I”m going to fill my life with things that make me smile and feel fuzzy and bloody lovely. My time will come again and there will be someone else and I will find that love again and it will be the person I spend the rest of my life with. Ive kissed enough frogs now. Enough is enough
cover Image from Pinterest @inky.diary on instagram