The Garden Party

Today I started project “sort the house out.” Starting with the garden. It’s a shithole. Let me paint a picture for you….. Read More

Love is…

I’m currently slightly obsessed with gossip girl. (Yes yes yes I know I’m 10 years behind everyone else, I don’t like being rushed)

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When dates go bad…

Go on a date they said. It’ll be fun they said. Nope. Wrong.

I’ve never really dated until this past 12 months. It’s all new to me. And it’s all been pretty rubbish so far.

I’ve tried the online apps and I’ve tried the old fashioned way too on a night out. Both not great outcomes.

Let me tell you about the worst one ever. And after it maybe we can compare notes…

A few weeks ago I went to see Patrick Topping in Manchester, I was due to go with someone but they weren’t able to make it so I thought “duck it, I’ll just go on my own” I missed out on seeing him before Xmas due to last min bad planning so I wasn’t missing out on this. All the trains were off so I drove. A sober rave. If the choice is between staying in with the dogs and going out and doing something fun (even if it’s on my own) I made a promise to myself that I’m taking the risky option.

So there I was raving on my own at the front and a (slightly) cute boy (all males are boys btw from the age 18-death just so you know) noticed I was on my billy, came over and asked if I wanted to go back stage. I said yes. Handy really because at that point I was going to go home it was about 1am and the red bull was wearing off.

He actually was quite funny. Told me he was 28 and a DJ. He did tell me a little fib about the DJ duo he worked for. Tried to make out he was very famous. However he’s not and I knew it. He also tried to convinces me he ran an events thing that is huge in Ibiza. I knew this was also a lie. Despite this we had a laugh. He appeared normal. I met his friends etc etc.

Instinct told me he was a fuck boy.

Fuck boy:

Asshole boy who is into strictly sexual relationships; he will lead a girl on and let her down, then apologize only to ask for “pics” once the girl has welcomed him back into her trust. Boys like this will pretend to genuinely care about the girl but always fail to prove the supposed affection.

But I’ve always been a firm believer in you shouldn’t judge a book by it cover. We exchanged numbers and then text exchange and rang over the next week.(My friends thought he was a fuck boy too btw)

He asked me to go to a burger place for something to eat so I said yes. That was the start of when date go bad….

Let’s follow the clues to see how bad it gets…

I drove. When I got to his house I ended up waiting outside for 10 mins while he got dressed. He tried to convince me to come in and watch a film (Clue 1) I was hungry. I wanted a burger. Anyone that knows me knows I get very hangry when I need food.

We drove into the city and he was arranging his club night all the way and we didn’t really speak (clue 2) on the way in he made me pull over outside of a bar to “holla” at his mates (clue 3) We got to the burger place and we met one of his “best mates” (clue 4) (who I was never introduced to). We lined up for the food he ordered then ignored the lady when she repeated his order back to him to talk to another “best mate”. He then got a little shitty with me because I order a waffle and the price increase (I’d ordered a milkshake prior to this and he’d ordered a large meal with extra trimming and extra bits and deluxe milkshake) (clue 5) I didn’t have the extra £3 so he had to fish in his pocket for it. As he moaned to the lady I went to sit down. I was contemplating at that point sneaking out but he was stood by the door with some more “best mates” (clue 6) and I had no way to escape. He finally arrive (after the food of like to add) and we sat and ate. He made a comment about wanting to go out after this and I declined. I’d worked a night shift the previous night and wanted my bed. After we were done he didn’t want to waste the left overs instead insisting on finding a Homeless person to give it it (brownie point. are thing about to get better….) instead he got distracted by yet another “best mate” (clue 7) and forgot to look for homeless people. I sloped off to my car and counted for 4 mins. If he wasn’t at the car by the 5th min I was driving off. He arrived. So we headed home. Or so I thought.

He wanted to go out. I didn’t. I offered to drop him where his mates were or Home. They were his choices. I wasn’t including myself in either of them and I made that very very clear. He insisted on showing me where he DJd of a weekend and get some stuff he’d left here. I did not want to go. We were in my car parked outside of this club and I was asking him politely to get out and I would “wait where I was” until he came out with his stuff (I was sooo going to drive off and leave him). We ended up nipping in to pick whatever it was he’d left and getting back in the car he started to call my patronising and how I was mean for not taking his place of work seriously (clue 8). It dawned on me then he wasn’t use to girls telling him no, he thought he had the gift of the gab and could talk people into stuff but I wasn’t biting. At all. He didn’t like that. It’s at this point it dawned on me he was totally off his face on something and then he told me he was only just 22 (clue 9&10) (6 years younger than he’d told me and 10 years younger than me. Completely a kid and totally a no go). It’s also at this point he leaned in for a kiss. (This next bit is clues 11-67……) He bit my lip but bit it and split it. At the same time He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled it. Not even in a nice way. In a way that if I had extensions in I’d be bald!!! I pushed him off. He then grabbed hold of my face and put his other hand around my throat. Again I batted him off. I asked him to get out the car. But he wouldn’t. So we were just sat there. In the middle of the city with him refusing to get out. What went through my head was “he’s 22, off his tits. If I kick him out the car and something happens to him I’d never forgive myself. Just take him home and throw him out there. He’s just a kid”

The car ride home was like having a really petulant child sat next to you. I’m not a prude in any shape or form but the questions and conversation from him was more than x-rated. I didn’t join in. I turned the music up instead to drown him out. At every red light he tried again to kiss me. I told him to feck off. He then tried to massage my neck as I was driving. I told him to sit on his hands and not touch me. He then tried to take my glasses off while I was driving. My glasses actually help me see. I’m blind without them. Not a good move. He then kept sticking his finger in my mouth. I did warn him to stop or I’d bite it. He thought I was messing so he did it again. So I bit it. He scratched down my face when I did this. He still wouldn’t get out of my car tho.

We finally got to his house. Where we sat outside with Him trying to convince me it was a good idea to come in with him. That I would have the best night ever with him. I just sat and looked at him quite flatly told him to get the fuck out of my car. He was shocked. He had no idea why I was being like that, he genuinely thought the evening had gone ok. (Proof he was off his tits) he was very sad that he wasn’t even going to get a cheeky anything from me and was utterly convinced he’d been the perfect gentleman!!! I did say “unless if you want what happened to your finger to happen to anything else but worse I’dget out of the car sharpish”. He then started to ask if I wanted to see what I was missing out on. I didn’t. The only thing I was missing out on at that point was sleep. When he got out the car he knocked on my window, I looked over to see him at my car window, pants down, helicoptering his little man hood in my direction. I genuinely thought someone was going to jump out as say “gotcha!!!”Honestly I couldn’t believe what had just happened!!!!!! In all honesty I was to tired to care and just wanted my bed. I blocked him on every social media I had him on and my phone and went to sleep. It wasn’t til the next day when I found myself thinking “that could of ended up worse”

I’ve told a few people about this and everyone says you should have got him out the car. I did try. But when I realised he was 22, off his face with no money or wallet or anything on him I couldn’t just leave him in the middle of no where. Least if I kicked him out at home I delivered him to his doorstep safe.

Moral of the story: if the gut tells you they’re a fuckboy. They’re a fuckboy. Do. Not. Engage. Also second moral is even the old fashioned way of meeting someone has its downsides. Think it’s just going to be me and the boys forever more…..

Anyone who has had anything worse than that please feel free to share….

skeletons in the cupboard

I started this blog as a means to vent my thoughts and feelings. I know some of you that read this know me and we speak, some of you will be reading this and know me and we don’t speak anymore (for whatever reason), some of you know of me through someone but have never actually spoken to me and some of you haven’t got the foggiest as to who I am at all and probably don’t give a fuck too. So I’m sat here in my Batman pjs, brew in hand with the dogs fighting at my feet and I’m wondering if the people that I don’t speak to anymore or those that are being nosey wonder if I’m going to spill the beans on them……well as it happens there’s this one story about someone that I know that is actually very good and I’m sure they mind me telling you….

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My Bumble to Tinder

WHY are you single?

Why ARE you single?

Why are YOU single?

Why are you SINGLE?

No matter which way it’s asked it still doesn’t sound great. It’s my least favourite questions I’m asked the most. That and the statement “you’ll find it when you least expect it…” sorry was my eye roll to loud

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Thor’s 4th birthday

My wonderful Thorman (not his real name) turned 4 this weekend!! I made him a cake, got him a bow tie and a party hat and had him and Loki have a doggy tea party. Well actually I just made them sit looking handsome so I could take some cute pics!!

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A little treat for me

I’m not the best at looking after myself if I’m honest. I go to the gym regularly, play hockey and try and control 75kg worth of Labrador on a walk every day (the recent snow was quite a challenge) All of which takes its toll on this ageing body… so I decided to treat myself to some cupping!!

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Tattoos; the marmite of skin

So tattoos, they’re a bit like marmite. some people love them some people hate them. Me, I’m a lover. (And marmite too, love that stuff) Of them on me, of them on others, of them on anything they can fit on. The backstories behind them if they mean something and the ones that people just choose because they like the art. I love them all. Even the tramp stamp one I have on my back. It was my very first one I got. I drew it. I designed it. I was 17. I was the happiest person ever. My dad took me for my first one and I became hooked ever since. Read More

You really Should read this if you want to…..

So the “this is what you should do now you’re single” brigade has been out in full force again recently! I know people mean well when they start saying stuff like “you’ll find someone one day” or “you’ve just not met the right person yet” no shit Sherlock because if either of those two things were correct I wouldn’t be cuddled up under two duvets trying to keep warm on a freezing cold night. I’d have a second body to heat my ice cold feet up on and backward snuggle! (Can’t be doing front facing sleeping cuddles I only need my feet to stay warm not melt the rest of me!)

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A time before social media…

So snapchat has had an update and the world has lost its mind!!!! To be honest I’ve never really understood snapchat the filters are good but if you’re chatting on there you just forget what’s been said because it disappears!!! I’ve always just thought that snapchat is for those people who are speaking but probably shouldn’t be because it just disappears like it never existed!!! But maybe that says more about me for thinking that….!!!

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